No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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