I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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