i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize