based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
