I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
