i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
