Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You made out with two different species that night
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
