he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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