John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
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