Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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