if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
