Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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