guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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