The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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