There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
