I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
