Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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