You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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