You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
