Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
