I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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