I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
