I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
