I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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