Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize