apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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