either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
