i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
