Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize