i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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