I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
