the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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