Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
