he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This baby is an asshole
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
