Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
