my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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