dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
