His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
