Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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