I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
