happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's never too late to be topless.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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