Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
