GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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