I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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