she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
