You're my little dorito
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
