I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
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