On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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