i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
