based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
