I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
