the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
