You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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