Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
