U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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