Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
