Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
