girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
