just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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