mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize