if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
