she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
