hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
