Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Congratulations! We have a period
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