fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
