Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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