Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
